Romance and True love

Aim

To spend my life with my true love.

Well my first memory as a child was told that i was an unwanted birth. My father divorced from his first wife met and married my mother who was also divorced with two children

They had another boy but decided that was it. I was called Houdini at birth due to the fact my mum was on the birth control and my dad used a condom yet i was still conceived. My mum had complications during my birth. I came out almost feet first and weighed 12 pounds 7 ounces. Over the years i was ridiculed and teased over what could have been the death of my mum  by the rest of the family and was always told, why was i born. 

 My childhood was non existent and a struggle. During my school years i was constantly beaten by my elder brothers and their mates at school and at home. My father was pretty handy with his fists and on more than one occasion felt his full wrath. I have lost my back teeth on the right side due to the pummelling of his fists and feet and still feel the aftermath.  Football world cup Spain 1982 when i was 11. Kevin Keegan scored and amongst the celebration my dad went wild and smashed me to smithereens which resulted in three weeks off school and an excuse i was mugged by three black guys in Queens park in Croydon. I had to sip through a straw for a month.

 My mother an angel to me was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 1981 and was given just six months to live. As she deteriorated as a family we all pulled our weight in house cleaning and cooking. 

 At 15 i was told i could leave the family home and go face the big wide world. I was actually working two paper rounds and opening up a butchers shop before school. In the weekends or holidays i would work as a building labourer lying about my age to get work. I moved in with a friend at his flat. My friends were all four years older than me. 

 I did not realise that i had difficulty at school in focusing or organisation. There was around 30 plus in my class and i was always at the back of the class. I did not own a school bag, journal or even a pen. My clothes were hand me downs from my brothers and never had anything new. Even at Christmas and birthdays i was told there was never enough money and had to wait for a present which never came. My brothers had no problem with this as they all got new stuff. From ill fitted shoes at the age of twelve , i have suffered with big toe ingrowing toenails on both feet to this day

 I have moved home and called home to over 40 places. I have had numerous amount of jobs and have always worked mainly manual work 

 When my mother passed away in 1999 i was working as a bar manager in the village where they lived. I could not get the time off to reflect but had to make sure all the family was o.k and forget  how i was feeling and held the wake at the pub i was working. 4 years had passed and now my dad was poorly in hospital awaiting a heart transplant when he caught an infection from a needle in his shoulder but told it would be OK and was told could not operate until it had gone. Unfortunately he became brain dead and we had to switch off his life support. Not a thing to get over easily as you do not expect to carry in both parents to their graves in my twenties.

 I have had a few long term girlfriends and i was with one for 12 years when she cheated on me and left me bankrupt back in 1998. After sorting myself out i met a German girl who was so in love it was decided that i would try and live in Germany. After meeting her parents and family i was learning German even though she spoke English and was slowly moving my stuff over there. I went over six times in four months and everything was going great even got engaged in London on the London eye of which she cried with happiness. I myself could not be happier. The last time i saw her was at the airport crying i was going home. Never heard from her again or saw her again. No idea what happened or why. Never will know.This really hurt me and got to me of which i still feel. 

 over the next few years i found a new love and we got married after only six months of meeting. Unfortunately i picked a woman who just wanted money. One day after work i came home and found my stuff outside the front door. She did not want me no more and drained my account of wages and left me £10 and a tent with a hole in it. I had no car so had to dispose of my goods apart from a carrier bag. Pitching up in the woods near work i continued to work for the next two months but got very ill during the winter months. I eventually came back to London where a friend said i could sleep on his sofa till i was sorted. I found a job and started again.

 I was stabbed in 1997 and still have reoccurring dreams and often fight in my sleep sometimes lashing out to my partners. 

 Always wanted children but never fathered which gets to me most of the time.

 3 years ago i met an incredible lady who we started seeing each other and have fallen in total love. We moved into a house share and for 2 years all was great but her mother at 82 and poorly needed her back home due to her well being. My girlfriend is Australian and now resides back in Australia which is not just around the corner but the other side of the world. 

 I am 47 years old now and finding life one big struggle. I have been diagnosed with depression suffer from ADHD and dyslectic. I live in a 20 x 7 foot room with all my worldly goods in there. Not had a good night sleep in years. I suffer from sleep deprived and wake every hour on the hour even my breath stops sometimes and that will wake me up.

 I am in debt with constant warnings and letters and phone calls which i am dealing with but seem to be since 1996.. 

 I have had many suicidal thoughts and it does not faze me as if i am waiting for it. I constantly think about death everyday. I have noticed the deterioration of my well being and really almost give up. I have no appetite, sex drive or interest of anything i do. My hobbies over the years are now no longer any use to me or interests me. I find myself sitting on my chair in my room with hours passed and i have not moved or remembered ever sitting there. Finding it very hard to consult of mingle with friends and just want to be left alone in the dark.  Only light i see is the dark.

I know there is worse off people than myself and i would help if i could.

Thank you just for reading if nothing else.

This project closed unsuccessfully on 28th May 2018