I write anonymously so you don't know who to judge. More people out there will think that it is their daughter who writes, as my situation unfortunately is not unique. But why me?
What you will never understand or accept is that I am without guilt. That I'm the one who suffers. That I'm the one who's ruined my life. That I'm the one who has to take the consequences for something I haven't done. Not you.
The memories fade somewhat with time, but they do not disappear. And I will soon have something that will forever remind me of what happened. Horrors. The despair. Shame. The hopelessness.
I'm young, but I feel
old. I feel used. Abused.
The sounds, as well as the smell of him, stalk me. Forever. Pictures pass through my head. I don't want to see them, but they come to me by themselves. Especially at night. All those sleepless nights.
The appetite is not good. I can't afford much food anyway, but I need to nurture what I'm now going through. I need to nurture the little life that grows inside me. The result of what he did to me.
I'm going to be a mother. Something I've been dreaming about since I was a kid. But the dream also featured a knight on a white horse. A man who was supposed to take care of me and little you, who is about to be born. The dream turned into a nightmare. No knight on a white horse. No good man wants me now.
But out of this, something good is to come. You, my little beautiful unborn child. I'll do what I can to be a good mother to you. Although there will be many heavy moments. I know that just looking at you will remind me of him. The man who ruined my life. Who raped me, without scruples, with no responsibility for anything but himself. But - it's not your fault. I have to remember all the time you're going to be with me.
I don't have any. I have nothing. What am I going to offer you when you come into the world?
I pray and ask for help. A friend has helped me so far but doesn't want to continue now that everyone can see what situation I'm in. Dear friend, I often think "Why me?" But I'm still glad it's not you who got to experience this nightmare. I'm glad I'm not the one who's failing. Let you and everyone else around one who has fallen so deep into despair.
I used to be a happy and proud girl. Proud to have become who I had become. Was. Now the pride must give way, I can't do more alone. I'll reach out a hand and hope someone sees it. Someone who can help me and my unborn child. Someone who doesn't judge. Someone who thinks with heart...........
Humble greeting from me