Thank you for taking the time to read my story.
I've lived with PTSD and suicidal desires for as long as I can remember, and I have always hated myself for being unable to live a normal life with normal friendships.
Skip forward 30 years and I finally realise why. In terrifying flashbacks, I recall that from age four I was abused at school by men who used me for violent sexual child abuse photos/videos.
In adulthood I have been raped, escaped an abusive marriage and made 3 attempts on my life, that I recall. I experience intermittent amnesia so sometimes I am not aware of parts of my life.
I have been under the care of my local adult mental health team for almost a year and in that time I have not received any therapy, treatment or referrals. I am fully aware of the strain the NHS has been under this past year however I am running out of options and I lost my job due to my declining mental health.
My condition is getting worse, I also experience DID, which used to be known as multiple personality disorder. I have 5 distinct personalities, one of which obsesses over hurting me.
There is hope, however.
The Maudsley Hospital provide trauma therapy for cases like this, and it is possible to go privately. Unfortunately it is expensive and I do not have the means to pay for it. There is also a specialist trauma therapist who offers sessions which are, again, very costly, and I will need a fairly long course of them.
This is where I am asking for your help.
Every day without treatment I am reliving the torture from my childhood, daily nightmares of abuse and rape, suffering the pain of wanting to die, and seeing the pain this desire causes those close to me. I am desperate for my life to change and to stop wanting it to end.
Please help me access change by sharing this page and donating if you would like to.
(To protect my identity, my real name has not been used)