George Osborne epitomises everything that's wrong about elitism. Uniquely unqualified to run almost anything important, George once managed to get his mitts on the entire UK economy (and introduced the nation to the concept of the food bank) just by being mates with David Cameron. Now the person that was so unpopular they were booed at the London Paralympics is somehow in charge of the London Evening Standard, despite having almost zero qualifications for the job beyond going to a posh school.
But we've come up with a way to harness George's unpopularity and turn propaganda into power. We're going to take copies of the Evening Standard and pay people a living wage for turning them into green energy...
Quite simply we want to turn Evening Standards into green energy. Specifically we'll use industrial pellet milling machines to turn leftover newspapers into high density fuel pellets that can be burned to create energy in a relatively clean way.
Our business model will be based around co-operation rather than competition, and we'll offer a discount on our green energy products to other co-operatives.
OsborneStandard EnergySolutions Ltd. will be founded as a workers' cooperative. We'll do what George was never able or willing to do: give workers democratic control of their workplace and pay them a living wage (and a real living wage, too).
In addition to the core members of the co-op, we'll also provide employment opportunities for those who are outside regular employment. Anyone who wants to help us collect Evening Standards can pick up OS Recycling Sacks from us, fill them with papers and return them for a share of the profit they'll help create.
We welcome everyone who wants to help us turn propaganda into power but would particularly like to work with those who are traditionally vilified by said propaganda: homeless and unemployed people, squatters, migrants, refugees and BME people (and especially women and non-binary people in all of those groups).
The Evening Standard is an ordinary capitalist enterprise, and part of how all such businesses make money is through “externalities” - getting the public to pay for cleaning up its waste in order to protect its profits. Reading the Evening Standard might make your journey seem quicker, but it's certainly not making it any cheaper.
As a co-operative, one of our commitments will be to the wider community, and this means taking responsibility for our waste. In addition, we'll be cleaning up the Evening Standard's externalities for them: by giving waste a value, we can turn it from pollution into power and profit.
We need to raise £75300 for:
£30000 – Pellet milling and bagging equipment. High quality, energy efficient plant bought now will see us into the future and make sure we're able to take propaganda out of circulation for years to come.
£20000 – One year's rent and rates on a London arch space for light industrial use.
£10000 – Fully electric van and insurance. It's important that we're able to run our transportation – picking up materials and delivering pellets – in a clean and green way.
£10000 – Collection bins and bags. We'll be working with local authorities to site recycling bins in locations near stations and will make regular collections for our raw materials. We'll also create OS branded collection sacks to help less-privilleged people turn propaganda into power – and profit.
£3000 – Office equipment and running costs.
£2000 – Website and promotions budget.
£300 – Registration fee to become a limited liability workers' cooperative, registered with Co-operatives UK.
Please give generously. The more we raise the more Evening Standards we'll be able to turn into green energy. More money means more decent employment opportunities for more people and fewer Evening Standards in circulation.