Putting the pieces of my life back together...

by Kaiya in London, Greater London, England

Putting the pieces of my life back together...

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This project is using Flexible funding and will receive all pledges made by December 25th 2018 at 9:12am

I am raising money to try and get my life together. Simply existing has been so tough for me. Especially this year...

by Kaiya in London, Greater London, England

So, I have had a very difficult start in life...

I was abused by my mother emotionally, physically, and mentally. And the treatment that I received from her my entire life pushed me down so deep that I have tried to kill myself several times since I was about 13 years old. I grew up thinking that I was ugly and fat and that I would never amount to anything. I grew up being told, by my mother, that the only thing that I just might be a okay at is being a housewife. So I spent years slaving away, cooking, cleaning, missing school, so that I could at least be good at just that one thing.

Then at 16 my GCSE's came through, and I got okay-ish grades (English B, Maths B, Biology A*, Physics C, Chemistry C, Spanish B, History D, Geography D. Those grades aren't too bad, right?), so I thought that I just might have a chance at this life thing.

My mother became increasingly abusive, however. She used to beat me out of my sleep, bite me, kick my stomach, and she tried to put her hands in my privates because she said that I was a whore. She stopped me from getting a job, and when she found out that I had applied to work at some shops in Westfield, because they had called the house phone and she picked up, she beat me black and blue. This was one of the times when I really did think that I was going to die by her hand.

I was raped at 16, by one of the boys that lived locally. I was 16 and he was 18 I think. But I don't think that he knew that I was a virgin until he saw the blood. I couldn't talk to anyone about it, and if I even dared to tell my mother she would kill me. I know she would.

So, I started prostituting myself out. When I was supposed to be going to sixth form, I would be meeting men instead who would give me some money to sleep with me. I was 16-18 doing prostitution, and these men were in their 30s-50s. It started when I met a Nigerian man on the way home from school when I was still in secondary, and he kind of made the suggestion that he can 'take care of me' if I gave him sex. At first I declined, but by the time I got to sixth form and I realised that doing this was the only option I really had, I decided to contact him and that's when the prostitution began. He introduced me to so many new men who would sleep with me and give me some money. I only got £20-£50 from these men each time I did something.

I think my mother could sense that I was no longer a virgin. The abuse got worse, but now it was centred around men and me being an 'ashewo', which means prostitute in Yoruba. She would kick me in my private area and my stomach even more.

So I ran away.

I didn't tell anyone what I was doing or where I was going or anything, so literally not a single soul knew where I was. And, because I was 18, I knew that the local authorities could make me go back to live with my parents. I ran away and was staying at the house of one of the men that I was sleeping with. It meant that I could live rent free and all I had to do was cook, clean, and give him what he wanted. 

My A Level results came out, and I did so badly that I didn't know what I was going to do with my life, and it seemed like suicide was the only option. Then I heard about this apprenticeship programme on the radio, so I contacted them and did an apprenticeship in childcare. 

So, here I am, halfway through with my apprenticeship and ready to get on with the rest of my life. I have applied to university to study Social Work, and I'm hoping to go to Goldsmiths. If all goes well, then I should start in September 2019. I want to study Social Work so that I can become a social worker or youth worker and help people in situations similar to mine. I, unfortunately, was not recognised by social services as someone that needed help, when I really did. I endured some heavy suffering, and I just think that it's only right that I help people who might be going through that same kind of suffering.

I am trying to raise £2000 so that I can just live an okay life. I will apply for Student Finance once I find out whether I have received a place at the university, but even that will not be enough. Especially because I am still registered as living in my parents house, if I register as homeless I wont be able to go to university if I am homeless. £2000 wont be enough to get me by obviously, but it will be a little help which is much needed, and will be greatly appreciated. I am working this apprenticeship so that I can have additional qualifications to add to my UCAS points, because I did very badly in my A-Levels, and so that I can save towards my future. But obviously even saving will be difficult because I am receiving apprenticeship pay (which is £3.85 per hour). Please do see that I am trying, even though all the odds are against me, I really am trying.


To be honest, I don't want to live life. I really don't. But since I am still here, after making numerous attempts to escape, I have decided to try and make the most of this misery and turn the rest of my life into a positive experience. 

I appreciate you for even taking the time to read all of this. Thank you.

Let's make 'Putting the pieces of my life back together...' happen