Once more I must close my profitable business and get by without a single penny from the government assistance programs. Fortunately, I have come up with an amazing business idea. A service that will benefit the entire nation!
I'll travel to the island of Haiti, the home of voodoo. I'll search for the most skilled witch doctor, and pay them to put a hex on Boris Johnson, one that will stop the bumbling elitist from being the self-serving imbecile we have come to adore.
I want to be categorically clear, just like our beloved politicians. This will be a positive hex, one that will stop Boris being such a useless liar. One that stops him dishing out billions of pounds in contracts to his friends for useless software, and then voting against spending a relatively tiny amount on food for malnourished children.
Obviously, the witch doctor will have to break through the hold Dominic Cummings has on him, so it won't be easy. But rest assured, I will find the best people for the job and I will not arrange for a hex that would do anything bad, like make him poop out his innards. No, it will definitely be a "happy hex", one that will make him a better prime minister, I swear this on Boris' life.