Hi – I'm Lorna Gauvain. I am a dynamically disabled actor and writer, currently training at Identity School of Acting. I live with chronic pain from an autoimmune condition called ankylosing spondylitis (umbrella term: axial SpA), an inflammatory arthritis primarily based in the spine. There is currently no cure, but the disease can be managed through medication, exercise and diet. Until my diagnosis I wasn't even aware that young people could get arthritis, and despite it being more common than other much better known conditions such as multiple sclerosis, axial SpA remains very unknown. So, like many others, when I found out that I had this condition, I felt scared and alone. I had no idea what the condition was, nor how it would affect my life. With chronic illness and pain your body suddenly has new, sometimes unpredictable, limitations and even if you take the time to relearn your capabilities, new symptoms can appear to remind you that you won’t ever be as in control as you once were. Given how hard it can be to understand your own body, it is difficult and emotionally draining to express to other people what it is like, let alone for them to understand. Some will be supportive, and some will make judgments but either way it is still the new reality that you face. It can be really hard to accept, and it can massively impact your mental health as dealing with pain every day is difficult to manage and come to terms with. That’s why I want to make this film – I want to find a way to show what living with chronic pain can be like, including how difficult it can be, and to highlight that the measures we take to help ourselves are ways of fighting. Needing medication or a mobility aid can be seen as giving up, and it can feel like we’re being weak. But we’re not, we're finding ways to take back control of our lives, and to live as fully as we can despite our conditions, to not let the pain define or control us even if some days it inevitably will.
My film follows Elle who is attacked by a stranger as she goes for a run. When the attacks then continue, she realises the assailant is not who they first appeared to be: they are a demon that no one else can see. As the attacks increase in frequency and her friends stop believing her, she begins to doubt her sanity until she discovers that she might not be alone in her experience and decides to learn how to fight back.
I want to create a film that could help others come to terms with this condition. I didn’t have anything like this back when I was diagnosed and there is a lack of representation of our stories out there. Back when I first went to physiotherapy, or needed to take medication, and certainly when I used a cane for the first time, I found it really hard. Using a cane at 21, I was scared of being judged, being seen as weak, called 'old' or made fun of, as I was a few times. What gave me courage to face this, however, was a fictional character called Kaz Brekker, who was young like me and used a cane. His cane didn't make him weak; it made him stronger and helped him to fight, and that's what I want to do with my film. I want to create a character that might give others the courage to use their mobility aids, or take their medication, or do those stretches, without shame, as I have been able to learn to. Because representation matters, and we deserve to feel strong for making healthy choices for our bodies. In addition, I want to show that even with acceptance, it can still be a daily struggle, and it is okay to have bad days, to feel sad, or even angry that you have to deal with this and that no one else can see what you're battling. That some people will doubt it, but that doesn't make it any less real or valid. That's why this film is so important, so please help me make it a reality.
The film will be shot over the summer in Norwich, with the support of the production company Eye Film. I am also working with NASS the UK's charity for those who have axial spondyloarthritis in the hopes that we can raise awareness for this condition.
How the money would be used:
All of the money raised will be used to cover the cost of the actors, subsistence for the duration of the film, locations, hire of additional equipment needed (beyond what Eye Film can provide) and the prosthetics/CGI effects needed to create the personification of chronic pain. If I was to make this on a commercial basis, the cost would be in excess of £30,000, but I am lucky to have close contacts to people in the film industry, as well as support from NASS and others who live with the same condition.