Rowan’s Story
I started primary school in year 3, aged 7. I decided to go because my older sister was there, it looked fun, and I wanted to make new friends. I felt scared on the first day because I didn’t know what to expect nor how I was going to get on or if I would make friends.
I soon felt at home and was able to make friends quickly. The work we did was fun, but I struggled to sit down for such long periods. We got to play a lot, and I enjoyed playing football with my friends. I felt there was no pressure at this time.
I got itchy and agitated with the lessons from the beginning, especially when we had to sit down for long periods (up to 2.5 hours). But everything got harder for me as I progressed through to the higher years because of the increased expectation to sit and be able to listen, focus and read. I felt unable to get up, move around or go to the toilet when I needed. I was given an exit card to use when I wanted, but I didn’t want to appear different to my friends, so I still struggled.
Outside school, I was enjoying competitive swimming and surf lifesaving, tennis, badminton and basketball, then later trampolining (I achieved up to level 15) and water-based activities such as paddleboarding.
I now realise, having ADHD (in addition to being Autistic PDA), how much I need this exercise and movement to help me process information and stay regulated. Right now, as I write this, I’m on my scooter outside on our decking so I can think of what to say.
I had a great teacher in year 4 (who got us all outside and active), just before the Covid lockdown. During the lockdown, I especially struggled because I couldn’t go to school, nor see my friends. I also broke my arm badly 2 weeks into lockdown, falling out of a tree, so couldn’t move about as much as I needed to feel ok. I was unable to attend any of the online lessons because it wasn’t in the classroom environment I was used to, and I had no friends to be with.
In year 5, I remember being called out to see people during lessons sometimes, such as the Educational Psychologist, and recall feeling singled out, different, ashamed and worthless. I had and still have a need to not appear different to my friends. I also remember being read Beowulf about a monster ripping a guy’s arm off. I had nightmares for a year afterwards and needed mum to be around when going to sleep.
In year 6, I started feeling unable to attend school often on a Monday and Tuesday because the amount of expectation and seated lessons was too much for me (there were no creative or active lessons on these 2 days). Around halfway through year 6, I remember feeling worried and frightened about moving to secondary school. I had an extra visit so I could get used to the idea, but this didn’t really reduce my anxiety about moving schools.
When the time came to start secondary school, I was feeling very worried and scared. It was a completely different experience to what I was used to at primary school. The teachers seemed nice-ish to begin with, but there was still a feeling of authority rather than safety. Having to tuck my shirt into my shorts felt uncomfortable and I struggled with this. We didn’t get enough breaks from focused and seated learning, and the teachers didn’t appear to even try to understand me or what I needed. I was also very scared of being told off or receiving detentions. I felt unsafe and that there was nowhere I could go if I needed to get away. There was not enough green space, it was just playground with lots of children and the field opposite the school was not accessible to year 7 and 8’s.
In history, we learned about the Tollund man, which frightened me. In assembly we were shown a Lord of the Rings extract and the swamp part where there were a lot of dead people. In English we were read Lamb to the Slaughter about a wife murdering her husband. I really struggled with these experiences, which scared me a lot and I had nightmares. I started to feel unable to attend school because I didn’t feel safe. I also felt there was nowhere to go at break times, it was always too busy so no space to be on my own or have my own time. The teachers felt strict. There were long lines for lunch, and it felt unfair because those with the best attendance went first. Because I didn’t have the best attendance, it felt I was always last. I wasn’t getting much sleep because of being upset at night and struggling to get up in the mornings.
In January 2023, after the Christmas holidays, I felt school was unsafe, too overwhelming and scary, and I could no longer attend. After stopping school, I worried that I would never do anything with my life, and I felt like a failure because my sister was still in school. I was unhappy a lot of the time and didn’t feel able to engage in much. It also didn’t help that we moved house around this time.
The last 2 years have been very difficult for me, dealing with not being at school, feeling a failure and worthless, having my friends asking me to go back to school regularly (which feels like a pressure), not knowing what to do with myself in the daytime whilst also feeling unable to do much away from home.
My parents have really supported me and understood that I need time to process my feelings and thoughts as well as opportunities to do the things I need to (especially active), to stay ok and happy.
Over time, things have improved, and I have been able to get involved with home education and other activities. I currently enjoy playing in the woods, on the beach, taking my dog Maxi for a walk, going to the skatepark with friends, fishing, sailing (I have RYA Level 4 / Seamanship Skills and hope to do some trips with the Island Trust next year), golf (for fun), tennis, swimming and going to the gym, paddleboarding, folk music (melodeon and cahon) with rootnotes and I’m currently doing my Duke of Edinburgh Bronze award (including volunteering as a tennis coaching). I also enjoying flying my drone, building mini houses with mini bricks, watching inspiring videos, and thinking up fun business ideas.
I recently did a snowboarding lesson while away with family and absolutely loved it! My mum used to snowboard too. I am now hoping to raise some money to be able to go away for initially a 1 month (increasing to 2 or 3 months if I feel ok) with Inspire Snowsports https://www.inspiresnowsports.com/junior/ so I can gain snowboarding skills, meet new friends and increase my self-confidence and self-esteem.
I used to struggle with being away from home, the change of environment, new experiences and being away from my parents. I’ve never experienced a trip like this before, nor been abroad and I feel that although it will be challenging in many ways, it will also be positively life changing.
I hope me sharing my story has helped or inspired you. If so and you would like to support me to go on this trip, I have worked out that 67,500 people donating 10 pence each would raise the funds I need for this amazing adventure (Mum tells me there are around this number of members on the Not Fine in School: Family Support for School Attendance Difficulties Facebook group).
If I am unable to raise enough money to go early 2025, I will postpone until 2026
If I happen to raise more than my target amount, the funds will either be spent on future adventures, such as with the https://www.theislandtrust.org.uk/ or donated to other young people going through similar experiences to me, who feel ready to take on a new adventure.
Cath’s Story (Rowan’s Mum)
Rowan has experienced life to date as an ultra-sensitive person, struggling with debilitating anxiety at times, with unaware parents to support him for much of his life. He has struggled with school trauma, extreme anxiety, sensory overwhelm, too many demands and expectations, low self-esteem and low confidence.
Being PDA means Rowan needs to feel in control and autonomous in his life and experiences, or his nervous system can feel overwhelmed and be triggered into fight, flight or freeze due to his anxiety.
There have been many friends, family and other adults in his life to date who have accepted and supported him in the way he has needed, and who have collectively enabled him to recover from the traumas he has experienced to be where he is now, for which we are immensely grateful.
We are very proud of Rowan, what he has overcome and how he approaches life. He is fun to be with, empathetic, kind, giving, conscious of fairness and justice and clearly here on earth to enjoy life and bring joy to others.
We have been surprised at how determined Rowan is to experience this Snowboarding opportunity (as well as other adventures he is planning with the Island Trust next year) and challenge himself to overcome his difficulties coping with change and transitions, being ok and able to cope when away from home (his safe space) and away from me (his main safe nervous system co-regulator).
The benefits we can foresee have the potential to be life-changing for him (and all of us):
- Ability to cope and self-regulate when away from home and parents: an essential skill for independent living and thriving
- Independence and self-confidence: Living away from home for an extended period, dealing with challenges, and achieving personal goals can boost independence and self-confidence. Learning to rely on himself, make decisions, and take responsibility for his actions, leading to increased self-esteem and a sense of accomplishment
- Personal growth: Living abroad and navigating new environments independently can foster personal growth, develop resilience, and enable more self-reliance. He may also gain a stronger sense of identity and discover hidden strengths and abilities.
- Expanded worldview: Experiencing different perspectives to challenge preconceptions help to develop a more global mindset, enhance understanding of global issues, and encourage critical thinking about their own culture and beliefs.
- Skill development: The residential coaching program focuses on providing specialised training from Olympic level coaches, which can significantly enhance skills and knowledge.
- Networking opportunities: Participating in a coaching program abroad allows children to connect with peers from diverse backgrounds who share similar interests. Building these international connections can be valuable for future collaborations and friendships.
- Culture: Immersion in a different culture, experiencing new traditions and customs.
- Language: Opportunity to learn the language by being surrounded by native speakers.
As you can appreciate, we are keen to support Rowan to take part in this opportunity. We are hoping it will be a catalyst for him to become an independent young man who feels confident, assured of himself and able to communicate his needs and manage different situations well.
We hope you have found the above helpful and inspiring, and feel that by sharing our story, we can inspire others to do the same. Our wish is that the lack of support and provision provided by the authorities can be met with the abundance of kindness and giving we know exists in our communities.
Having Rowan at home for the past 2 years has had an understandable impact on our ability to work and earn income. If you would like to donate a small amount to support Rowan to achieve his dreams, this would be very much appreciated.