Please Help Me To Help Myself

by Rachel Davies in Cardiff, Wales, United Kingdom

Please Help Me To Help Myself
We did it
On 9th October 2019 we successfully raised £10 with 1 supporters in 28 days

The aim is to raise enough money to get a decent number of private psychotherapy sessions to help me learn to control my BPD

by Rachel Davies in Cardiff, Wales, United Kingdom

I feel like it’s quite selfish to ask you guys for money for myself. But I’m getting quite desperate so I will try anything at this point.

A few years ago I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, although I think I’ve had it for much longer. I had a traumatic experience when I was a child and it has shaped my entire life. I won’t go into detail about that, because it is painful, but I will just say that a large percentage of BPD sufferers were sexually abused as a child. 

Since that childhood experience, it has effected every part of my life and messed with my head so much that I ended up making some terrible decisions and mistakes.  I have seen countless therapists and doctors but to no avail. CBT, mindfulness, meditation - none of these forms of therapy have had any beneficial effect on me. 

In 2017 I tried to end my life 3 times, and the last time I very nearly succeeded. I was in a coma for a week, after an overdose. I have since planned suicides many times, but luckily did not implement them. 

When I received my BPD diagnosis, part of me was relieved because I realised what was wrong with me, and putting a label on it made me feel like I could be fixed. But several years down the line and I still haven’t received the help I need because the therapy that is specifically for BPD sufferers isn’t available on the NHS. It is called DBT - Dialectical Behavioural Therapy - and I can only get it through a private practice psychotherapist. 

Every time I have a breakdown or a panic attack (which is at least twice a week), I contemplate suicide and often plan how to do it. I realise it is a very selfish thing to think of doing, but when the (what I call) “BPD voice” takes over, I have no control over my thoughts or actions and become uncontrollably impulsive and volatile  - I can think of nothing except wanting to end my life to make the pain go away. 

Luckily, each time this has happened, my partner or parents have been around to bring me out of that void. Either that, or I don’t have enough medication nearby to overdose on. 

What concerns me, is that if I don’t get the help I need soon, one day I will be alone in a bad frame of mind and that “BPD voice” will take over and my meds will be nearby, and this time I will succeed in ending my life.

I am genuinely scared and afraid of my own mind. I feel like the only thing left to do is to go private and receive private DBT psychotherapy treatment, since it isn’t available on the NHS. I just need to learn how to control that voice in my head. I am currently unemployed due to my anxiety issues (and I was recently diagnosed with epilepsy) so I have zero money. So anything you could donate to help me would be...well, there really isn’t a word for how grateful I would be to be honest.

Thank you for reading my story. Sorry it’s so long, I tried to make it as short and to the point as possible. And if you donate, God bless you ❤️

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