***** This is an urgent appeal *******
As we unconsciously move towards Feburary 14th, millions of people across the world, people like me, are forced to suffer. We are forced to eat frozen pizza at home while watching Pride and Prejudice, with a huge tub of Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream, that inevitably melts, almost completely, by the time you've eaten the pizza because the heating is on so high. Millions of people like me are forced onto addicitive and harmful apps like Tinder, Plenty of Fish, and Plenty of Squid (the latter being a bit more niche), in search of other lonely, socially awkward folk who must obviously have serious issues.
We can all agree that Feb 14th, much like your wedding day or graduation is one of the most important days of anyone's life. I am 28 years old and I have been single ...since....... hang on.... let me get a calendar........ erm....... I've been single since.......... ah yeah... here it is... BIRTH. I've spent past Feb 14ths wasted, staring into a mirror, crying, at sea, watching a movie and having a terrifying personality test at the Church of Scientology in London (I figured it would be the only place where there were no annoying couples... I was wrong). But this year, I decided to do something different... for lots of reasons.
2015 was a personal disaster for me. I was kicked out of a country, told I was dying, I was in Earthquake, burnt my bottom with a hose, a monkey stole crisps from me and I've had game changing diarrhea several times. I figure I'm overdue for some positive energy. So I decided to enroll in speed dating.......theres a special one on Feb 13th, and theres just enough time between now and then to stop smoking and drinking and start exercising and pretend I'm a human.
But its 30 pounds (London is such a rip-off ) and I'm unemployed and staying on a sofa (yeah 2016 is a real winner also). So I decided to turn this into a social experiment. If you have ever read and been entertained by my blog - www.anotherexistentialcrisis.com - I promise to write a huge piece all about the whole ordeal. So, if you can give a pound, or a euro, or a dollar, or 50p, or 10p or if you're like me and poor, don't give anything, just read this laugh and share...... But I hope that by Feb 13th, I can get the 30 pounds together with your help... GIVE THE GIFT OF LOVE THIS VALENTINES DAY........
Here are some serious facts to think about before you give...........................................................
Almost 100% of single people are not in a relationship
1 in every 3 single people will buy a cat on Valentines Day
Relationships and Speed Dating help stimulate the economy and create much needed jobs
I need the loo now. (that one is the most significant, I think)
Thank you for reading and a special shout out to Ms Hayley Goggin, this and all my other ideas are ....... originally hers. I am the Lady Gaga to your Madonna.