hello, i have a shizoaffective disorder and i am trying to get funding so that i can afford private psycotherapy and dialectal behavoural therapy. the waiting list is so long that my care co -ordinator wont put me on it. the waiting list is 2 years, i would be happy to wait that long if it meant i will eventually get the treatment i need to have a better life. i work so hard just to pay the bills like everyone else i guess but its difficult to stay in work with this horrible mental illness but i am determined to contribute to society.
i grew up in foster care and my family are not around to support me, now i am 28. ive been in the mental health services since i was 8 years old and my mental illness first surfaced as hallucinations, i was terrified of mirrors or windows, i would see faces, i had night frights that would leave me exhausted. then a few years later i started hearing voices, there would be so many as if i were standing in a crowded room and everyone was talking to me i could not distingush one conversation from another, this made schooling incredibly hard and i was passed off as a naughty child that didnt listen when in reality, i couldnt concentrate with these voices crowding up my head. i would sit and rip my hair out in frustration, by age 12 i started self harming. i never had any love in my life and i was very lonely, i suppose being dumped in care does that too you i have never been abke to show or recieve affection. i still cant. then and now i live daily in almost a constant state of crisis. i cant have any friends because of my paranoia. sometimes i cant eat or drink because i believe im being poisoned and this causes further physical problems. i was bullied at school and still at 28 im bullied at work.
i have tried to kill myself several times and failed. i dont want to die, i want to live but if theres no quality of life then what is the point?
on top of this i have pcos and cant have children, as if growing up with no parents wasnt bad enough i cant even start a family of my own with my husband. hes a good man and has stuck by me in times of absolute darkness.
i have come here as i cant live like this anymore. ive suffered for 20 years. i know help is out there but i just cant access it. im on the verge of losing my job because of my mental illness, i have no working relationships with anyone as much as you like to say there isnt a stigma around mental illness, there is.
i just want a normal life, i watch people with thier friends and family they take for granted just wishing i could be part of that world. my world is miserable.
please help me access the care i need to get better so i can have a normal life.