I have never shared my story before. My situation is difficult and also very sensative. Please be advised that some of my story may cause distress. I will be talking about domestic violence and self harm so please read no further if it will cause any distress or hurt.
There are many amazing causes on this site and I wish I could stand with you all to support them; but I'm in a dark hole that I cannot escape from and I don't know where else to turn..
I am 26 years old. I dedicated myself to a carer caring for the elderly and disabled as a health and support assistant; which I love and it provided a semi stable income throughout my life (they don't pay much but it's the satisfaction of helping others that makes it the best job)
I am now forced out of employment and without a home. I have never really had a stable home. I moved out of my mothers house when I was 16 as it was seriously overcrowded and my eldest sister suffers with autism. I love her dearly but growing up she was restful of the differences between us (she told me recently in a heart to heart) she used to direct her angst towards me a lot and just by me being around it would cause problems and stress so I moved I be with a boyfriend I thought I could trust.
I got myself a job and learned how tough bills can be with an apprentice income of £2.20 per hour. After living with my ex partner for 6 months I learned he had a controlling nature. He wouldn't let me go out with friends and told me how to dress. He was very aggressive to me and assaulted me severely several times; but I was scared to leave not knowing where else to turn. He was huge, and took steroids so he overpowered easily.
I managed to gather the courage to run away, so I did! I couldn't believe it a fresh start after 5 years of domestic violence and him cheating. The worst thing was him telling me how ugly I am and I constant put downs really damaged my self esteem, but I did it, I got away.
I stayed on my mums sofa as my sister managed to get a more sutable home so she can get the help she needed. But she was overcrowded so I didn't get a room or privacy, She had 3 bedrooms containing my big brother my little brother (big age gap) my pregnant sister and her boyfriend had the rooms. So me and my mother had a sofa each in the living room. My mother is a single mother and can only work a certain amount of hours to care for my little brother in school and my sister with autism (as she is petrified of being left with a care assistant she doesn't know so mum cares for her too)
I should be with my mother, working and helping out but I can't live there, they would have me there if they could fit me in.
When my sister had her baby boy I moved out again. It was way too overcrowded with another new person and I was the only person with another living option at the time. I was dating someone who seemed very empathetic about my issues life circumstances. I told him of my fears as I had been in a domestic violent relationship and he seemed to be nice person. I met his family who seemed lovely and he said I could move in with him, so I did.
After approximately six months I learned he had severe childhood physiological issues and everything I had seen was a front. I had moved 200miles away thinking I was safe when I was in big danger. I was trapped, again! After I had told him of my past and he said it was so terrible yet he was the same!
He was more violent than the last one! I escaped by working as a support worker sometimes sleeping at work caring for adults with autism overnight. I knew no one in the town and he spent his days spending my wages on his marijuana addiction. I was more damaged than I ever thought I could be the first time this happened, I felt so weak. So for it to happen again I was destroyed. I reached a point i never thought possible and attempted suicide. The guy I was with caught me and stood there laughing at me and threw things at me, it was more humiliating than anything. I had never thought he was that evil. They both blamed me and I believed it as both relationships turned that way. I never hit anyone I am a very calm and kind person they had no need to hit out at me ever! He said to me he would rather be with a real woman who could and have kids, as I have PCOS and can't have children. He had grown up in care and was beaten by his dad so I tried to be understanding at the beginning before he turned violent, and would just have mood swings and smoke his weed. But the violence came to such a shock! I tried to leave and he attempted suicide. So as a last resort I lowered my dignity and accompanied him on the Jeremy Kyle show which was really embarrassing. Even after what he did I didn't want to walk away in case he killed himself, deep down I wouldn't be able to forgive myself for that. Call me stupid I know, I never received anything good for my empathy. They got him a phyciatrist and he moved back with his mum. He attacked me just after the show and I left.
I had nothing. I left with a small bag of clothes as I had to run away quickly. I really thought he was capable of killing me. I've been trying desperately for the last year to build a foundation. I know I've made some wrong decisions. I was very smart at school and had great prospects. I thought I saw some good in them both and then it was too late. I never thought people could be so evil and abusive. I got another job in a nursing home and I didn't tell my employer that I was in fact homeless. I was surfing between sofas but being at the home took my mind of it all. I managed to be a reliable employee and no one ever noticed my pain, even throughout the abusive years. When you work with the elderly and vulnerable you can't bring any issues to work and you have to stay focused so it was the best way to block out my personal issues.
I was trying to save for a deposit for a flat or shared house and some basic furniture; so I can finally have a place to call home. I was only employed for a couple of months before my situation became worse and I could no longer stay on people's sofas. I couldn't put down own deposit as the anchor company didn't pay me for three months after employment and I was short in wages. They finally paid me back 7 months later which helped with food for a while but it wasn't too late; other people couldn't afford to support me, everyone I know are struggling themselves.
As I do not have a home I cannot get a job or any government help (though I've always paid my taxes and NI) you need an address and documents to get any help. I have been to charities and to the council but they say I am not priority as I am not pregnant or disabled. But its a catch 22 and I don't know what else to do. Everyone shuts the door or pushes you to somewhere else.
Ive never asked for anything before and I know I should be greatful as others do have a worse life. But I would be more than greatful for any help at all. It would be nice to just have a peice of stability and happiness in my life. I just want a roof over my head so I can continue my carer, I've been told I'm supervisor material in care and have achieved valuable qualifications.
I am still abit scared to publicly display my face at the moment. But I am happy to show my face to those who feel they need to see me, I can understand most people would want to see who they are pledging to.
Thankyou for reading my story.