I sit before you, the Great British people, today because I am no longer prepared to stand for the invasion of this noble country’s green & pleasant lands by the unholy hoard of goths, vandals and Huns who are sweeping in from the East, just as Attila and Great Uncle Genghis did in centuries past!
Thus, I am prepared to come out of semi-retirement from the back benches of the Lords to sit at the right hand of Mother Theresa to defend the noble lands of St George, Monty Don, and Elton John.
Of course, we simply can’t carry on blowing billions on jolly good spreads and champagne in Brussels. As you may all be aware, the EU is currently only held together by red tape, fifty billion British pounds a year, and some rather fishy banknotes printed in Germany.
To steady the ship, I have founded the Great British Party, the GBP, and it is my avowed intention that we shall once again restore this proud nation to its former standing as the Land of Hope & Glory.
So, what are our policies for leading Britain from the European wilderness, when our only national income seems to come from selling London penthouses to foreigners?
Well here are my ten commandments for a more prosperous Britain which I recently carved into the Lords’ bar in Westminster.
Number 1. We shall tell the world that the one and only true global currency is the pound, and that none of our fine British casinos or fish and chip shops will accept Euros or Dollars. Only currency printed by the Bank of England, bearing the Queen’s head, or at least that of Freddie Mercury, will be accepted as legal tender.
Number 2. Stop the damned foreign invasion. Tell all these Johnny foreigners trying to get into Blighty that, unless they can reel off the names of all the kings and queens of England since 1066; demonstrate a sound forward defensive stroke; and sing along to Rule, Britannia! that they can’t stay for dinner!
Number 3. Rebuild Hadrian’s Wall! It was put up a very long time ago by an emperor who knew that the only way to stop the Scots from dancing in the fountain in Trafalgar Square was ten feet of solid stone!
Number 4. Give barista visas only to those who can pass the entry requirements to Oxford & Cambridge if they need some spare change to cover their tuition fees or any money they lose betting on the gee-gees.
Number 5. We must preserve and enshrine our great and noble British institutions, namely the BBC, the Royal Family & of course Peter Stringfellow!
Number 6. End all this silly business about opening hours. An Englishman should have the right to drink whatever, whenever and wherever he pleases, and if that means downing a stiffener before a board meeting and then trying to play eye spy with the new secretary rather than examining the intricate movements of the FTSE, well then that’s alright by me!
Number 7. Clear out the House of Commons and turn it into a theme bar so that only the House of Lords gets to vote on issues of national importance once a year at the annual opening jamboree.
Number 8. Abolish income tax and ensure that every jolly Union Jack & Jill gets their daily English breakfast and pint of best bitter.
Number 9. Create a fairer society by ensuring that everyone who doesn’t own a Rolex and a Roller gets a weekly shot at the lotto to keep them in the get rich quick game.
Number 10. Liberate the City from red tape! Untie the hands of my dear friends so that they can once again punt for Britain on the stock exchange!
Sounder policies for a Greater Britain!
Now is the point at which I ask you, the fine and fickle electorate, to put your hands on your purse strings and fund my little election jolly as I make my bid to climb the Westminster totem pole and buy as much facetime on social media as I can make it out of bed for.
If you can contribute some of your hard-earned cash to the Great British Party, then you may rest assured that I will be working hard through the night, lobbying in Westminster and the gentlemen’s clubs of London, to restore Britain to her former glory! An honest tenner buys me a stiff scotch, while a royal twenty affords much needed executive relief at my private table.
Every little you donate goes a long way towards keeping my production crew merry, paying my translators to explain the importance of these fine policies to Mrs Merkel and Madame Le Pen, and of course to funding the production of my forthcoming Christmas annual!